Recalculating
Making a Difference, Self-Discovery

Recalculating: This was not the destination I had planned.

In September of 2018, I started writing a book. As all too often in my life, my fears and insecurities set in and I set the book aside. With the crazy events of 2020, I am once again be directed to create a community to support others. I am excited for this journey and the people who are choosing to begin this adventure with me. So, with that I am setting my fears aside, and I am going to share what I believe is the first chapter of my book and the beginning of the next step in my life. 

In August of 2018 as I was driving in an unfamiliar city with a navigation app giving direction, I started thinking the navigation system was broken. “In 500 hundred feet turn left.” At the only possible left turn I turn left only to hear, “Recalculating, in 300 feet, make a U turn”. WHAT????? We make a U turn to then be direct to make a right turn in 300 feet. We headed back were we came from. There were several more questionable times on the trip where the navigation took us behind shopping centers, through neighborhoods, and recalculated that got me thinking something was wrong. Then I realized that this navigation system seems to be the theme of my life; RECALCULATING.

There have been several times in the last eight years that I have felt I should write a book, only to recalculate what I was thinking.  Most of the reevaluating came in the form of self-talk, “What are you thinking? You are a hot mess, you have nothing to offer. How are you going to help anyone when you can’t help yourself? You are dyslexic, how are you going to write a book that anyone would read?” Even as I am typing, my self-talk is having a field day trying to get the doubt and destruction that so often rule my thoughts and actions to take over. Well not this time! YOU ARE NOT IT, I AM IN CONTROL. I am choosing to take the wheel and see where this trip takes me, broken navigation system and all.

I am in my 40s and the life I have lived so far is not what I thought it would be. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I am still on the road of self-discovery and healing. I am still trying to figure out who I am. I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, co-worker, etc., but those are just labels, they don’t really feel like they are who I am. Will I ever know who I am? I sure hope so, or at the very least, I hope I can learn to find joy in the journey, because let me tell you my life has been full of ups and downs. I have found joy along the way, but I have also battled depression, anxiety, and abuse. Not just Domestic Violence, which included verbal, physical, and sexual abuse, but also body shaming, bullying, and verbal abuse from family, friends, and acquaintances as a child and an adult. I have done more than my fair share of self-abuse. So, my life has been full of detours, delays, and recalculating.

Maybe at the end of the book I should give you a timeline as a point of reference since this book is going to jump all over the place. It may be easier to write chronologically for me, but this is not an autobiography. I am sure for you it will be more enjoyable written by the segments of my life. I am hoping you will be able to relate to it.

My intention for this book is to let you know you are not alone. I want to open a conversation about things that are hard to talk about and create a community people who looking for balance, health, and healing from abuse, chemical imbalance, suicide, eating disorders, depression, and more who want to find joy in the journey. We are all on the planet trying to figure out this life, who we are and what our destination is.

Please remember everyone has his or her own journey. Our experiences may be similar, but they are each unique. Even though many people could have been at the same event, each person experiences and remembers those events through their own eyes and will recall the event differently. I am writing from my perspective of my life. How the events showed up for me as I reflect back on them. I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend, Essential Oil Coach, Emotion Code Practitioner, and Entrepreneur. I am not a Doctor, Counselor or Therapist. I believe it is important to work with Doctors, Counselors and Therapists along with Essential Oils, Energy Healing and spirituality to find health, healing, and joy.

I AM - The Wizard of Oz
Self-Discovery

I AM – The Wizard of OZ

When I was growing up I thought I was crazy when I heard the voice in my head. It was not until I started my journey of self discovery by taking personal development courses around 2006 that I learned differently. Each courses seemed to referred to it differently; “the sub-conscience”, “It”, “I AM” or some other name. The one that has resonated with me is I AM.

There are many time in my life I have felt that I AM – The Wizard of OZ, a con or fraud. There is the I AM I perceive, the I AM I hear in my head, the I AM I am currently being, the I AM I want to be, and the I AM others perceive no to be.

I AM - The Wizard of Oz

So many times I felt a lone in this battle with I AM. Once I learned about it and started recognizing it for what it was, I started practicing I AM Affirmation. Life started shifting to the I AM I want to be, but I still felt like it was a fraud. How could it be that with more understanding there also came more frustration and confusion? It is all about perception. Some of the problem is our perception of self is often is over critical.

Take a look at it this way through the imagery created by Analytic Lessons from Behind the Curtain, The Wizard of Oz — Perception vs Reality

The theme of MGM’s adaptation is persistently evident. From a young girl’s perceptions of a black and white life in rural Kansas, springs a technicolored world of gold and emeralds. Dorothy’s adventures in the Land of Oz are full of symbols and metaphor as she follows the yellow brick road in her quest to return home.

Along the way, the stranded Dorothy meets powerless munchkins, a brainless scarecrow, a heartless woodsman, and a cowardly lion in her quest to find an all-powerful wizard. At least those are the perceptions.

By the end of the tale, the wizard is proven a con, the lion brave, and the scarecrow merely in need of a diploma. The genius of the wizard proves to be his deep understanding that perceptions and realities are often quite different.

In the final scenes, once again perception is questioned. When Dorothy fails to return with the wizard over the rainbow, her initial misery is alleviated when the good witch reveals that Dorothy’s ruby slippers have always given her the power to return whenever she wanted. A few clicks of the heal and our young heroine returns to Kansas to learn it was all just a dream… so fitting.”

Wizard of Oz Man Behind the Curtain - I don't own this image it is sourced from https://i.ytimg.com/vi/-RQxD4Ff7dY/maxresdefault.jpg

What we see is our Reality, is actually our perception of our reality. It is often easier to see where we lack that where we are thriving. We judge our worse against someone else best not knowing their struggles or even seeing the complete picture.

The reality for me is I hit a bump in the road, the I AM I hear in my head often takes back over. I start listen to the voice I had heard growing up. That of not being wanted, not being worthy and on and on and on.  I stopped taking care of myself, I stopped the practices I had learn to create the life I wanted. I became the man behind the curtain. Pretending everything was still okay, while I was abusing myself physically and emotionally.

Each time I would return to the practices that where in love, light, possibility, and creation I was happy and once again making progress toward who I want to become. But each time a trial hit, I would start traditional counseling, which would help for a while, but then the fall seemed to be harder to overcome.

Therefore there is the I AM I perceive, the I AM I hear in my head, the I AM I am currently being, the I AM I want to be, and the I AM others perceive me to be. So therefore, I AM the Wizard of Oz or the man behind the curtain. I am in a constant battle with who I AM. I choose to continue to learn, discover, and become the I AM I desire to be.

I have had many resources that have assisted me in my discovery of the I AM. I know that it is a continual process of learning, discovery, and growth. I also think that understanding our own I AM this may be one of the greatest understanding we can seek in this life.

I have discovered that prayer, mediation, affirmations, and energy work are key to me healing and self-discovery. But I know that each of us needs to find our own path to health, healing, and self-discovery. I am grateful for my journey and the different friends, classes, and books that have taught me along the way.

Today and hopefully everyday moving forward I will choose to do the work, continue to discover, grow and declare, “I AM growth, wisdom, love, light, and joy. I AM the possibility of all that has been, is, and is to come.”

Our mind and bodies are incredibly powerful, and we each have our own journey to self discovery and knowledge. My you find that path that best supports you in discovering your I AM!

Resources:

Here are some of the YouTube Videos and Audiobooks that I refer to often to support my learning. As well as the resources I used for this post.

Analytic Lessons from Behind the Curtain

I am that, I am Wayne Dyer NO ADS DURING MEDITATION 🙏 👇 BOOKS from Dr Wayne Dyer in DESCRIPTION

Louise L Hay - You Can Heal Your Life (Audiobook)

Emotion Code by Dr. Bradley Nelson.

Essential Oils, Health, Self-Discovery

Learning to LOVE My Body and Myself

I never loved my body. I was always finding something wrong with it. I found things wrong with my eyes, my hair, my weight. I was taller then my older sister and I associated that with BIGGER, FATTER, and wrong. I have spent most of my life over the “NORMAL” weight for my height. I grew up seeing actresses and thought they were what you were supposed to look like.

It has taken me years to learn how to love my body. I am still a work in progress and will catch myself negatively talking about my body.

2004 to 2007 I was my heaviest and I only took pictures with my family. I was suffering from postpartum depression. I was scared. I was trying to hide from my x-husband. (I share that on Beyond Abuse Essential Healing) My weight was the way I protected myself and hid.

Family photo 2004
2004

Family Photo 2006
2006

Between 2005 and 2007 I was on fertility drugs and gained even more weight. I didn’t like how I looked or felt. We decided to stop fertility treatments. I decided to take my life back so I could play with my girls and do the things I love like camping and sports.

Team Strong Enough 2010
Most of Team Strong Enough After the Half Marathon

2009 Family PhotoIn 2007 I started making better choices with my food and working out daily. Then I started running, like really running. I started with 5Ks. In 2008, we were blessed with a son and I continued on my healthy path. Once he was born I got back in to running. I got back to doing 5Ks and then work up to doing a Half marathon. My first was as part of team Strong Enough with the Coleman Family and Friends in April of 2010. Ragnar 2010I aslo participated in the Wasatch Back Ragnar Relay Race. This was definitely the healthiest time in my life.

Salt Lake Half Marathon 2011In April of 2011, I ran my second half marathon and even reached my goal for my finishing time. But I also tore the meniscus in both knees. This lead to a lot of pain and surgery. The knee surgeries made it impossible to ever run again. I never fully recovered physically or emotionally.

The weight packed back on and so did all of the emotional weight from my past.

In 2017, I had enough. I was tired of hurting and not enjoying life. After seeing 3 surgeons I finally found one that would do the knee replacements that I needed. And so my health journey began again with my first replacement done in July of 2018 and my second in September of 2018.

I also took a seminar that reminded me of who I am. It gave me skills to add to the knowledge I have as an Essential Oil Coach. I have taken this knowledge to start Loving my body and myself. I know thank my body daily. I talk to my body. I support my body physically and emotionally with essential oils.

This is where I am at today. Half way between my heaviest and my healthiest. I am grateful for my body and I love it!!!

I am passionate about helping others learn those same techniques. I want teach and mentor as many people as I can to love their bodies and their self. Follow me on Faceboook for upcoming training.

 

Uncategorized

Thoughts Create Reality

Thoughts are a powerful thing. We can either let our thoughts run on audio pilot or we can conscientiously choose our thoughts.

I have experienced verbal, sexual, emotional, and physical abuse during my life. If I am not careful I get lost in patterns of negative thoughts and despair. One thing leads to another and I forget that I get to choose my thoughts.

During this journey of self discovery I have found there is a cycle I go through. One of Discovery then either Releasing or Excepting that discovery which then leads to Creation. If I am running on audio pilot I go into survival mode and everything seems hard. Sometimes my thoughts spiral out of control and I go deeper and deeper in to despair. My depression and anxiety seem to be overpowering.

This cycle is not easy and at times we will meet resistance and pain. We can even be triggered as we move through the cycle that may cause us to stop practicing and moving through the cycle. Prayer, meditation, essential oils, and therapy assist us through the process. I have discovered that healing is a daily practice, not a destination. We need to love ourselves and be patient with the process.daily-practice

2006 I was introduced to The Secret a film and a book presented by Rhonda Byrne.  The Secret shares amazing real life stories of regular people who have changed their lives in profound ways by applying “The Secret” or the laws of the Universe.  The secret or law is that whatever we focus on is what shows up in our life. In other words our thoughts become our reality. Mike Dooley said, “Thought’s become things, choose them wisely.”

14064210_10154600394759750_8856672435977252204_nI have to chose my thoughts and words carefully. I asking myself the following questions without figuring them out:

  1. Who Am I?
  2. What do I want to create?
  3. What do I enjoy doing?
  4. What Am I choosing by my thoughts and actions?

Through this practice thoughts  will create the reality. They will change the way we view life and the world. We get to choose these thoughts each and everyday. Each day that we choose to put what we are learning into practice we will just get better at creating our reality with more precision.

We need to remember to take time for ourselves care and be patient as we fine tune the practice these skills. As we choose our thoughts carefully and hold on to the ones that bring us joy they will serve our higher purpose.

I declare I am the possibility of love, light, clarity, and joy. I am abundant, grateful, powerful and healed. I choose to play big, create a life I love, and I hold the space for others to do the same.

Everyone has his or her own journey. We each have our own triggers and interpretations of life. My intent is to add in the healing process not cause anxiety or pain. Our experience may be similar but they are each unique. Even though many people could have been at the same event each person experiences and remembers those events through our own eyes and will recall the event differently. My blogs will be from my perspective of my life. I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother and friend. I am not a Doctor, Counselor or Therapist. I believe it is important to work with Doctors, Counselors and Therapist along with Essential Oils, Energy Healing and spirituality to find health, healing and balance.