Category: Family Life Education

Words Matter: Challenging the Old Adage
Family Life Education

Words Matter: Challenging the Old Adage

Beyond Possibilities

We’ve all heard the childhood rhyme:

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

It sounds reassuring. But peer-reviewed science strongly contradicts it. Verbal and emotional abuse — even without physical violence — can leave deep, lasting wounds (Teicher et al., 2006; Bellis et al., 2025). Childhood verbal aggression has been linked to anxiety, depression, and long-term difficulties with emotional regulation and relationships (Vissing et al., 2008; Wright et al., 2009). Some studies even show that repeated exposure to verbal abuse can alter brain structures involved in emotional processing (Teicher et al., 2010).

I was teased a lot as a child — about my size, my lack of ability to read, being a tomboy, and more. This led me to downplay teasing while dating and in my first marriage. Over time, the teasing escalated into verbal abuse from my ex-husband. Many of those words still appear in my mind from time to time. I have spent years healing and breaking patterns of teasing, and I believe in facing truth with compassion and using it as a catalyst for growth. And the truth is this: if words can harm so deeply, then they can also heal deeply — when used with intention, understanding, and care (Zhu et al., 2025; Shorey et al., 2022).

Understanding the Impact of Words

Words are not harmless. Emotional and verbal abuse are linked to long-term psychological challenges, including anxiety, depression, and diminished resilience (Carleton, 2023; Zhang et al., 2022). Even without physical violence, verbal abuse in families predicts higher rates of depressive symptoms in children and adolescents (López-Morales et al., 2025; Zvara et al., 2019).

Research also shows that verbal aggression can impact the brain in ways similar to physical abuse, particularly in areas responsible for emotional regulation (Teicher et al., 2010). These findings make it clear that the old rhyme is misleading: words can indeed leave deep, lasting scars.

Words are not harmless. Emotional and verbal abuse are linked to long-term psychological challenges, including anxiety, depression, and diminished resilience (Carleton, 2023; Zhang et al., 2022). Even without physical violence, verbal abuse in families predicts higher rates of depressive symptoms in children and adolescents (López-Morales et al., 2025; Zvara et al., 2019).

Research also shows that verbal aggression can impact the brain in ways similar to physical abuse, particularly in areas responsible for emotional regulation (Teicher et al., 2010). These findings make it clear that the old rhyme is misleading: words can indeed leave deep, lasting scars.

Words Can Cause Lasting Harm: What the Research Says

  1. Verbal Aggression in Childhood Has Big Mental Health Effects
    • A foundational study by Teicher, Samson, Polcari & McGreenery (2006) found that parental verbal aggression was associated with moderate to large psychiatric effects (depression, anxiety, anger-hostility, dissociation). IFEMDR+1
    • Notably, in their sample of 554 young adults, the effect sizes for verbal aggression were comparable to or even larger than those associated with familial physical abuse. PubMed
    • The authors concluded that verbal aggression is a potent form of maltreatment. IFEMDR+1
  2. Verbal Abuse Is Widespread — and Often Overlooked
    • A systematic review of 149 quantitative studies (plus 17 qualitative) found that childhood verbal abuse (“CVA”) is a common subtype of emotional abuse. PubMed
    • This review linked CVA to many negative outcomes across the lifespan — internalizing problems (like anxiety or depression), externalizing behaviors, and more. PubMed
    • The authors argue that recognizing CVA as its own form of maltreatment is critical for prevention and intervention. PubMed
  3. Psychological Violence (Including Verbal) Impacts Mental Health Severely
    • A meta-analysis of intimate-partner violence (IPV) showed that psychological violence strongly correlates with PTSD, depression, and anxiety — sometimes as strongly as physical violence. BioMed Central
    • Specifically, emotional / verbal abuse subtypes had large effect sizes on PTSD and depression. BioMed Central
  4. Verbal Abuse Impairs Recovery in Mental Illness
    • In a study of people with serious mental illness, those who had experienced verbal abuse reported more loneliness and lower social support, which in turn hurt their recovery. PubMed
    • This suggests verbal abuse’s harm isn’t just long-term — it can also undermine one’s ability to heal and connect in the present.
  5. Psychological Abuse Can Undermine Resilience — But There’s Hope
    • A recent study (Child Indicators Research, 2025) found that adolescents exposed to psychological abuse (which includes verbal/emotional abuse) showed lower resilience. SpringerLink
    • Importantly, emotional flexibility and self-compassion mediated this relationship. In other words: adolescents who develop self-compassion and flexible emotional skills show better resilience, even in the face of psychological abuse. SpringerLink
  6. Verbal Abuse Impacts Interpersonal Behavior
    • Research in adolescents (Frontiers in Psychology) showed that childhood psychological abuse is linked to higher relational aggression (e.g., social exclusion, gossip, indirect harm), partially via mediators like cognitive distortions. Frontiers
    • This means that early verbal / emotional abuse not only affects internal well-being, but can also shape how someone relates to others later in life.

Communication as a Tool for Healing

The good news is that if words can harm, they can also heal. Supportive, intentional communication reduces conflict, fosters resilience, and improves emotional health (Bair-Merritt et al., 2020; Shorey et al., 2022).

Here are some research-backed strategies to improve your communication:

  1. Name Your Emotions – Identify emotions before responding (Shorey et al., 2022).
  2. Use “I” Statements – Express feelings without blaming others (Wright et al., 2009).
  3. Practice Reflective Listening – Validate others’ feelings to foster trust (Vissing et al., 2008).
  4. Validate Without Agreeing – Acknowledge feelings while maintaining your perspective (Shorey et al., 2022).
  5. Slow Down During Conflict – Pausing prevents emotional flooding (Teicher et al., 2006).
  6. Repair When Words Hurt – Apologize, clarify, and reset communication (Bair-Merritt et al., 2020).

📝 Healthy Communication Worksheet

Use this interactive worksheet to put these strategies into practice.

Healthy Communication JournalDownload

The Takeaway

Healthy communication is a skill, not a personality trait. You can learn it, practice it, and transform your relationships and life. Words have power — the power to wound, and the power to heal. Let’s choose words that heal.

References

Bair-Merritt, M. H., Black, L. M., et al. (2020). The role of social support in recovery among adults exposed to verbal abuse. Psychiatric Rehabilitation Journal, 43(3), 221–229. https://doi.org/10.1037/prj0000404

Bellis, M. A., et al. (2025). Childhood verbal abuse shows similar impact to adult mental health as physical abuse. BMJ Open.

Carleton, R. N. (2023). Childhood verbal abuse and its association with mental health across the lifespan: A systematic review. Child Abuse & Neglect, 139, 105985. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chiabu.2023.105985

López-Morales, H., Nájera, M., García, A., & Sánchez, P. (2025). Psychological, emotional, and neuropsychological sequelae of child victims of domestic violence: A review of the literature. Journal of Child & Adolescent Trauma. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40653-025-00746-6

Shorey, R. C., et al. (2022). Psychological violence and mental health outcomes: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Systematic Reviews, 11, 1–15. https://doi.org/10.1186/s13643-022-02025-z

Storey, D. (2025). Verbal abuse is no less damaging than physical harm. Psychiatrist.com.

Teicher, M. H., Samson, J. A., Polcari, A., & McGreenery, C. E. (2006). Sticks, stones, and hurtful words: Relative effects of various forms of childhood maltreatment. American Journal of Psychiatry, 163(6), 993–1000. https://doi.org/10.1176/ajp.2006.163.6.993

Teicher, M. H., Samson, J. A., Sheu, Y.-S., Polcari, A., & McGreenery, C. E. (2010). Hurtful words: Exposure to peer verbal aggression is associated with elevated psychiatric symptom scores and corpus callosum abnormalities. American Journal of Psychiatry, 167(12), 1464–1471. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.2010.10010030

Vissing, Y. M., Straus, M. A., Gelles, R. J., & Harrop, J. W. (2008). Verbal aggression by parents and psychosocial problems of children. Western Criminology Review, 9(1), 34–50.

Wright, M. O., Crawford, E., & Del Castillo, D. (2009). Childhood emotional maltreatment and later psychological functioning: Examining the roles of shame and guilt. Child Abuse & Neglect, 33(5), 361–373. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chiabu.2008.12.001

Zhang, Y., Li, X., Yu, C., & Luo, J. (2022). Childhood psychological abuse and relational aggression: The mediating roles of hostile attribution bias and self-control. Frontiers in Psychology, 13, 1082516. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.1082516

Zhu, X., Chu, J., Liu, Q., & Liu, F. (2025). Psychological abuse and adolescent resilience: The mediating effects of emotional flexibility and self-compassion. Child Indicators Research. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12187-025-10256-4

Zvara, B. J., Mills-Koonce, R., Appleyard Carmody, K., Cox, M. J., & Family Life Project Key Investigators. (2019). The mediating role of family communication in the association of family violence and adolescents’ depressive symptoms. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 16(22), 4538. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph16224538

The Human Growth Cycle: Living in a State of Continual Becoming
Family Life Education, Self-Discovery

The Human Growth Cycle: Living in a State of Continual Becoming

Beyond Possibilities

Growth isn’t something that stops when we graduate or reach a milestone—it’s a lifelong rhythm that mirrors our natural cycles of expansion, integration, rest, and renewal. Just like the body adapts through training, the mind and spirit also move through seasons of growth, consolidation, and restoration. When we stay open to learning, evolving, and becoming, we honor both our biology and our potential.

The Science of Lifelong Growth

Research in human development and neuroplasticity shows that growth is not a linear path but a cyclical process (Baltes et al., 1980; Diekelmann & Born, 2010). Just as muscles strengthen through challenge and recovery, our minds expand through new learning, reflection, and rest. Each phase prepares us for the next, creating a sustainable rhythm for continual self-development.

This pattern—growth, consolidation, rest, and re-growth—can be seen across the lifespan when we maintain a growth-oriented mindset. Whether we’re learning a new skill, developing emotional intelligence, or pursuing higher education, this rhythm helps us balance ambition with integration and well-being.

Fixed vs. Growth Mindset: The Foundation for Lifelong Learning

Fixed vs Growth Mindset

Psychologist Carol Dweck (2006) describes two primary ways we approach our potential: a fixed mindset and a growth mindset.

  • A fixed mindset believes that abilities, intelligence, or talent are static. People with this mindset often avoid challenges, fear mistakes, and interpret setbacks as signs of inadequacy.
  • A growth mindset, on the other hand, understands that skills and intelligence can be developed with effort, perseverance, and learning. People with a growth mindset view challenges as opportunities and see feedback as a pathway to mastery.

Adopting a growth mindset doesn’t mean we never experience doubt—it means we stay curious and committed through it. For example, as I work toward my Bachelor’s in Human and Family Services, I’ve learned that real growth happens when I’m willing to be a beginner again—to learn, unlearn, and relearn. Each assignment or new theory isn’t just information; it’s an opportunity to stretch how I think, connect, and serve others more deeply.

In short: a fixed mindset seeks to prove itself. A growth mindset seeks to improve itself.

Putting the Science into Practice

Growth Cycle

Growth becomes sustainable when we intentionally cycle through learning, reflection, and renewal. Here’s how to make that rhythm work for you:

Plan a Growth Block:
Start by choosing a clear, measurable goal that stretches you. It could be completing a major course, earning a certification, or building a wellness practice. During this time, dedicate focus and consistency—track your progress and celebrate effort as much as outcome. (Dweck, 2006; Schoenfeld et al., 2019).

Schedule a Consolidation Phase:
After a period of intense focus, shift into integration. Reflect on what you’ve learned and apply it to real-life experiences. For instance, I weave what I’m learning academically into my holistic coaching and educational work. This phase allows the brain to consolidate neural connections and solidify new habits (Diekelmann & Born, 2010; Marzola et al., 2023).

Take a Rest and Maintenance Season:
Prioritize recovery. Protect your sleep, connection, and self-care. This is not “losing momentum”—it’s giving your body and mind time to absorb and adapt. Chronic overextension increases stress load and decreases creativity (McEwen, 1998).

(This is also the area that I need to work on. Recovery, rest, and self-care are not selfish or lazy; they are necessary mentally, intellectually, spiritually, and physically.)

Repeat with Intention:
When your energy renews, begin the next growth cycle with purpose. Continual learning keeps your life vibrant and aligned. Every new goal builds upon the foundation of the last (Baltes et al., 1980).

Your Personal Growth Cycle – Sample Timeline

Living in a State of Becoming

When we embrace a growth mindset, we see every season of life—whether it’s success, stillness, or struggle—as part of an evolving pattern. We’re not meant to stay in constant motion; we’re meant to grow, consolidate, rest, and rise again—wiser, steadier, and more aligned with who we’re becoming.

Continual learning isn’t just an academic goal—it’s a lifestyle of possibility.

I am excited to start applying this new awareness to my life, particularly in the areas of rest and recovery. As part of my next growth block, I am going to dive a little deeper into the Protective and Damaging Effects of Stress Mediators by Bruce S. McEwen, Ph.D. (McEwen, 1998).

References

Baltes, P. B., Reese, H. W., & Lipsitt, L. P. (1980). Life-span developmental psychology. Annual Review of Psychology, 31(1), 65–110. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.ps.31.020180.000433

Diekelmann, S., & Born, J. (2010). The memory function of sleep. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 11(2), 114–126. https://doi.org/10.1038/nrn2762

Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Random House.

Marzola, E., et al. (2023). Neuroplasticity and learning: Integrating memory consolidation and behavioral change. Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience, 17, 112–128. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnbeh.2023.1102208

McEwen, B. S. (1998). Protective and damaging effects of stress mediators. New England Journal of Medicine, 338(3), 171–179. https://doi.org/10.1056/NEJM199801153380307

Schoenfeld, B. J., Grgic, J., & Krieger, J. W. (2019). How many times per week should a muscle be trained to maximize muscle hypertrophy? Sports Medicine, 49(7), 1337–1355. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40279-019-01175-1

Awareness, Word Choice, and Trust in Family Communication
Family Life Education, Self-Discovery

Putting It All Together: Awareness, Word Choice, and Trust in Family Communication

Beyond Possibilities

Family communication is often the heartbeat of connection. The words we choose, the tone we use, and even the body language we convey can either build bridges or create distance within our homes. While it’s easy to get swept up in the rush of daily life, learning to pause, reflect, and intentionally communicate can transform how our families relate to one another.

In previous blogs, we’ve explored the foundations of awareness, trust, and word choice in communication. Now, it’s time to put it all together — to take what we’ve learned and use it in real moments with those we love most.

Awareness: The Power of Pausing Before We Speak

Awareness is like turning on a light in a dark room. It helps us see clearly what’s really happening — both within ourselves and in the conversation unfolding before us. When parents recognize their emotional state before speaking, research shows they communicate more calmly, which encourages calmer responses from their children as well (Alejandra & Kataoka, 2017).

Before reacting to a situation — like a teenager missing curfew or a spouse forgetting to follow through — pause and check in with yourself. What emotion is surfacing? What need might be underneath that emotion?

Tools like Mel Robbins’ “5 Second Rule” (counting backward 5-4-3-2-1 before responding) can interrupt reactive thought patterns and help you respond from a place of calm intention. This practice of mindful awareness creates space for empathy to guide our words rather than frustration.

Word Choice: Creating Openness Through Language

Words carry energy. The difference between “Why are you always late?” and “I’m concerned you’re running behind — is there something you need help with?” is the difference between accusation and understanding.

Studies consistently show that positive word choice improves family connection and strengthens relationships over time (Family Strengths: Communication, 2020). Using “I-statements” is one of the simplest and most effective ways to do this. Instead of blaming or labeling, “I-statements” express feelings and needs without placing the other person on the defensive (The Importance of “I-Statements in Relationships,” n.d.).

For example:

“I feel worried when I don’t hear from you. Can we agree that you’ll text when you arrive home?”

That small shift creates collaboration rather than confrontation — and the tone of the conversation shifts from tension to teamwork.

Trust: Built in the Everyday Moments

Trust is not built in grand gestures — it’s built in consistency. Every small, respectful interaction lays a foundation for emotional safety and belonging. Research from Ouyang and Cheung (2023) found that when parents foster trust and model emotional regulation, young adults experience fewer depressive symptoms and stronger family bonds.

Nonverbal cues like tone, posture, and facial expressions often speak louder than words (Winsberg, 2022). When we model openness, children learn that vulnerability is safe. This kind of safety allows our teens and young adults to develop independence while still feeling supported — a balance essential for healthy family dynamics (Busby & Chiu, 2017).

It’s easy to overlook these small daily exchanges, but they are the building blocks of resilient relationships. As one review from Precision Family Therapy (2025) put it, strong communication nurtures empathy, mutual respect, and adaptability — qualities that make families thrive even through challenges.

Putting It Into Practice

Imagine this scenario: your 17-year-old borrowed the car and didn’t text when they got home.

Your instinct might be to say, “You never think about how worried I get!” But instead, you pause. You take a deep breath. You recognize that your reaction comes from fear, not anger.

Then you reframe:

“When I don’t hear from you, I worry because I care about your safety. How can we make a plan that works for both of us?”

This reframe integrates awareness (of your own emotions), word choice (using “I-statements”), and trust (inviting collaboration). The result? Connection instead of conflict.

Growth, Not Perfection

Improving communication is not about mastering perfection — it’s about making consistent, small shifts that ripple through our relationships. Each mindful pause, thoughtful phrase, and intentional act of trust brings us closer together.

As Forever Families (2020) beautifully explains, communication is both a skill and a reflection of love — one that strengthens every time we choose understanding over reaction.

So, take a moment today to reflect:

  • How can you pause more often before responding?
  • What words can you reframe to express care instead of criticism?
  • Where might trust need a little rebuilding — or acknowledgment?

Awareness opens understanding.
Word choice opens dialogue.
And trust opens hearts.

Communication Journal 3Download

References (APA 7th Edition)

Alejandra, A. M., & Kataoka, S. (2017). Family communication styles and resilience among adolescents. Social Work, 62(3), 261–269. https://doi.org/10.2307/44652409

Busby, D. M., & Hsin-Yao Chiu, L. (2017). Perceived conflict styles of adult children and their parents: What is the connection? Journal of Child and Family Studies, 26(12), 3412–3424. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-017-0839-9

Family Strengths: Communication. (2020). Forever Families. https://foreverfamilies.byu.edu/family-strengths-communication

Ouyang, Q., & Cheung, R. Y. M. (2023). Mother–child versus father–child conflict and emerging adults’ depressive symptoms: The role of trust in parents and maladaptive emotional regulation. Journal of Adult Development, 30(2), 145–157. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10804-022-09431-1

Precision Family Therapy. (2025). The role of communication in strengthening family bonds. https://www.precisionfamilytherapy.com/post/the-role-of-communication-in-strengthening-family-bonds

The Importance of “I-Statements” in Relationships. (n.d.). Tony Robbins. https://www.tonyrobbins.com/blog/words-matter-you-vs-i

Winsberg, M. (2022). Speaking in Thumbs. Doubleday.

Building Positive Communication
Family Life Education, Self-Discovery

Building Trust Through Positive Communication: How Word Choice Builds Trust in Families

Beyond Possibilities

Good communication is at the heart of every healthy family relationship. In our latest workshop, we explored how the words we choose — especially in moments of stress — can either open a door to connection or close it. Even if you weren’t able to attend, the principles we discussed can help you strengthen your communication at home.

Why Word Choice Matters

Children and adolescents don’t just hear our words — they interpret the tone, structure, and intent behind them (Alejandra & Kataoka, 2017; Zapf et al., 2022). A phrase meant as guidance can sometimes sound like blame. For example:

  • Saying to a teen, “Why can’t you ever remember to text me?” may feel accusatory and lead to withdrawal.
  • Rephrased as, “I feel anxious when I don’t hear from you after school because I care about you. A quick text reassures me you’re safe,” the same concern becomes collaborative and caring.

These subtle shifts make a big difference in whether your child shuts down or leans in. Research shows that positive communication is linked to better family health and well-being (Kang et al., 2019) and can buffer stress for both parents and children (Rosland et al., 2011).

“I-Statements” vs. “You-Statements”

When emotions run high, our phrasing matters.

  • You-statements (e.g., “You never listen!”) point outward and often trigger defensiveness and conflict (Busby & Chiu, 2017).
  • I-statements (e.g., “I feel frustrated when instructions aren’t followed because it creates more work for me”) take ownership of feelings, reduce blame, and make room for dialogue (The Importance of “I-Statements,” n.d.).

Studies show that authentic I-statements help children feel respected, even when they are being corrected, and are associated with greater trust and healthier emotional regulation (Ouyang & Cheung, 2023; Yang et al., 2024). Families that practice open, consistent communication build resilience and stronger bonds (Family Strengths: Communication, 2020).

How to Put This into Practice

  • Pause before reacting. Take a breath and think: Am I about to use a “You-statement”?
  • Reframe with “I.” Center your message on your own feelings and needs, not blame.
  • Model growth. If you slip, rephrase aloud. This shows your children you are working on communication too.
  • Practice together. Try rewriting common household frustrations into I-statements as a family exercise.

The more you practice, the easier it becomes. Over time, your words can become a tool for connection, cooperation, and trust.

Communication Journal 2Download

📚 References

Alejandra, A. M., & Kataoka, S. (2017). Family communication styles and resilience among adolescents. Social Work, 62(3), 261–269. https://doi.org/10.2307/44652409

Busby, D. M., & Chiu, L. H. (2017). Perceived conflict styles of adult children and their parents: What is the connection? Journal of Child and Family Studies, 26(12), 3412–3424. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-017-0839-9

Family Strengths: Communication. (2020). Forever Families. https://foreverfamilies.byu.edu/family-strengths-communication

Kang, S. Y., Lee, J. A., & Kim, Y. S. (2019). Impact of family communications on self-rated health of couples who visited primary care physicians: A cross-sectional analysis of Family Cohort Study in Primary Care. PLOS ONE, 14(3), e0213427. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0213427

Ouyang, Q., & Cheung, R. Y. M. (2023). Mother–child versus father–child conflict and emerging adults’ depressive symptoms: The role of trust in parents and maladaptive emotional regulation. Journal of Adult Development, 30(2), 145–157. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10804-022-09431-1

Rosland, A., Heisler, M., & Piette, J. D. (2011). The impact of family behaviors and communication patterns on chronic illness outcomes: A systematic review. Journal of Behavioral Medicine, 35(2), 221–239. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10865-011-9354-4

The Importance of “I-Statements” in Relationships. (n.d.). Tony Robbins. https://www.tonyrobbins.com/blog/words-matter-you-vs-i

Yang, K. N., Bergman, K. N., & Cummings, E. M. (2024). Mother–adolescent communication and father–adolescent communication: Analyzing a 4-week family intervention using multi-informant data. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 35(1). https://doi.org/10.1111/jor.12995

Zapf, H., Boettcher, J., Haukeland, Y. B., Orm, S., Coslar, S., Wiegand-Grefe, S., & Fjermestad, K. (2022). A systematic review of parent–child communication measures: Instruments and their psychometric properties. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 26(1), 121–142. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10567-022-00414-3

Winsberg, M. (2022). Speaking in thumbs. Doubleday.

Family Life Education, Making a Difference, Self-Discovery

Building Bridges: Understanding Family Communication Styles

Beyond Possibilities

Communication is at the heart of every family relationship. It’s how we express love, set boundaries, and navigate challenges together. Yet, as our children grow—from tweens discovering independence, to teens testing limits, to young adults stepping into the world—communication often becomes one of the trickiest parts of parenting.

Whether you’re trying to get an 11-year-old to clean up their room, discussing curfew with a 16-year-old, or respecting the independence of your 22-year-old, the way you communicate can either strengthen connection or create distance.

Why Communication Matters

Research consistently shows that strong family communication builds resilience, reduces conflict, and helps children thrive emotionally (Alejandra & Kataoka, 2017; Busby & Chiu, 2017). For parents, good communication creates more cooperation at home and a deeper sense of trust—even during tough conversations.

The challenge? Not every style of communication is equally effective.

The Four Common Communication Styles

Communication can be mapped across two dimensions: openness of communication (how honestly we share) and consideration for others (how much we respect another’s needs). Together, these create four styles:

  • Aggressive – Open but lacking respect for others.
  • Passive – Respectful but withholding feelings or needs.
  • Passive-Aggressive – Indirect, masking frustration with sarcasm or avoidance.
  • Assertive – Honest and open while still considering others.

Most of us use a mix of these styles depending on stress, habits, or circumstances. But the healthiest families lean on assertive communication, because it balances honesty with respect.

Real-Life Examples

To bring these styles to life, here are a few parent–child situations across the tween-to-twenty spectrum:

  • Aggressive (Teen): Your 16-year-old comes home past curfew. You yell, “You’re completely irresponsible!”
  • Passive (Young Adult): Your 24-year-old borrows your car and returns it on empty. You say, “It’s fine, don’t worry about it,” while stewing inside.
  • Passive-Aggressive (Teen): Your 15-year-old forgets chores. You mutter, “Guess I’m the maid in this house,” while slamming the trash down.
  • Assertive (Tween): Your 12-year-old resists homework. You say, “I know you’re tired, but this needs to be finished. Let’s set a timer and take breaks.”

Can you see how each style affects the relationship differently?

Takeaway for Parents

There’s no such thing as perfect communication, but being aware of how you’re communicating is the first step. Ask yourself:

  • Am I being honest about my needs and feelings?
  • Am I showing respect for my child’s needs, even as they grow more independent?
  • Do I shift my approach when talking to my 11-year-old versus my 21-year-old?

The goal isn’t to avoid conflict—it’s to handle it in ways that build trust and connection.

Try This at Home

This week, pay attention to one interaction with your child. Notice your communication style in the moment. If it’s not assertive, pause and reframe your words. For example:

  • Instead of: “You never listen to me!”
  • Try: “I feel frustrated when I have to repeat myself. Can we figure out a better way to handle reminders?”

Small shifts like this can change the whole tone of family life.

Final Thoughts

Parenting tweens through twenties is a balancing act of guidance, boundaries, and letting go. Communication is the bridge that carries us through these stages. By becoming aware of your style—and choosing assertiveness more often—you’ll nurture respect, trust, and connection with your children at every age.

Whether you attended our recent family communication class or are simply exploring on your own, this resource is here to remind you: the way you speak shapes the way your family thrives.

Communication JournalDownload