Good communication is at the heart of every healthy family relationship. In our latest workshop, we explored how the words we choose — especially in moments of stress — can either open a door to connection or close it. Even if you weren’t able to attend, the principles we discussed can help you strengthen your communication at home.
Why Word Choice Matters
Children and adolescents don’t just hear our words — they interpret the tone, structure, and intent behind them (Alejandra & Kataoka, 2017; Zapf et al., 2022). A phrase meant as guidance can sometimes sound like blame. For example:
- Saying to a teen, “Why can’t you ever remember to text me?” may feel accusatory and lead to withdrawal.
- Rephrased as, “I feel anxious when I don’t hear from you after school because I care about you. A quick text reassures me you’re safe,” the same concern becomes collaborative and caring.
These subtle shifts make a big difference in whether your child shuts down or leans in. Research shows that positive communication is linked to better family health and well-being (Kang et al., 2019) and can buffer stress for both parents and children (Rosland et al., 2011).
“I-Statements” vs. “You-Statements”
When emotions run high, our phrasing matters.
- You-statements (e.g., “You never listen!”) point outward and often trigger defensiveness and conflict (Busby & Chiu, 2017).
- I-statements (e.g., “I feel frustrated when instructions aren’t followed because it creates more work for me”) take ownership of feelings, reduce blame, and make room for dialogue (The Importance of “I-Statements,” n.d.).
Studies show that authentic I-statements help children feel respected, even when they are being corrected, and are associated with greater trust and healthier emotional regulation (Ouyang & Cheung, 2023; Yang et al., 2024). Families that practice open, consistent communication build resilience and stronger bonds (Family Strengths: Communication, 2020).
How to Put This into Practice
- Pause before reacting. Take a breath and think: Am I about to use a “You-statement”?
- Reframe with “I.” Center your message on your own feelings and needs, not blame.
- Model growth. If you slip, rephrase aloud. This shows your children you are working on communication too.
- Practice together. Try rewriting common household frustrations into I-statements as a family exercise.
The more you practice, the easier it becomes. Over time, your words can become a tool for connection, cooperation, and trust.
📚 References
Alejandra, A. M., & Kataoka, S. (2017). Family communication styles and resilience among adolescents. Social Work, 62(3), 261–269. https://doi.org/10.2307/44652409
Busby, D. M., & Chiu, L. H. (2017). Perceived conflict styles of adult children and their parents: What is the connection? Journal of Child and Family Studies, 26(12), 3412–3424. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-017-0839-9
Family Strengths: Communication. (2020). Forever Families. https://foreverfamilies.byu.edu/family-strengths-communication
Kang, S. Y., Lee, J. A., & Kim, Y. S. (2019). Impact of family communications on self-rated health of couples who visited primary care physicians: A cross-sectional analysis of Family Cohort Study in Primary Care. PLOS ONE, 14(3), e0213427. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0213427
Ouyang, Q., & Cheung, R. Y. M. (2023). Mother–child versus father–child conflict and emerging adults’ depressive symptoms: The role of trust in parents and maladaptive emotional regulation. Journal of Adult Development, 30(2), 145–157. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10804-022-09431-1
Rosland, A., Heisler, M., & Piette, J. D. (2011). The impact of family behaviors and communication patterns on chronic illness outcomes: A systematic review. Journal of Behavioral Medicine, 35(2), 221–239. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10865-011-9354-4
The Importance of “I-Statements” in Relationships. (n.d.). Tony Robbins. https://www.tonyrobbins.com/blog/words-matter-you-vs-i
Yang, K. N., Bergman, K. N., & Cummings, E. M. (2024). Mother–adolescent communication and father–adolescent communication: Analyzing a 4-week family intervention using multi-informant data. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 35(1). https://doi.org/10.1111/jor.12995
Zapf, H., Boettcher, J., Haukeland, Y. B., Orm, S., Coslar, S., Wiegand-Grefe, S., & Fjermestad, K. (2022). A systematic review of parent–child communication measures: Instruments and their psychometric properties. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 26(1), 121–142. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10567-022-00414-3
Winsberg, M. (2022). Speaking in thumbs. Doubleday.
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