Recalculating: This was not the destination I had planned.

In September of 2018, I started writing a book. As all too often in my life, my fears and insecurities set in and I set the book aside. With the crazy events of 2020, I am once again be directed to create a community to support others. I am excited for this journey and the people who are choosing to begin this adventure with me. So, with that I am setting my fears aside, and I am going to share what I believe is the first chapter of my book and the beginning of the next step in my life. 

In August of 2018 as I was driving in an unfamiliar city with a navigation app giving direction, I started thinking the navigation system was broken. “In 500 hundred feet turn left.” At the only possible left turn I turn left only to hear, “Recalculating, in 300 feet, make a U turn”. WHAT????? We make a U turn to then be direct to make a right turn in 300 feet. We headed back were we came from. There were several more questionable times on the trip where the navigation took us behind shopping centers, through neighborhoods, and recalculated that got me thinking something was wrong. Then I realized that this navigation system seems to be the theme of my life; RECALCULATING.

There have been several times in the last eight years that I have felt I should write a book, only to recalculate what I was thinking.  Most of the reevaluating came in the form of self-talk, “What are you thinking? You are a hot mess, you have nothing to offer. How are you going to help anyone when you can’t help yourself? You are dyslexic, how are you going to write a book that anyone would read?” Even as I am typing, my self-talk is having a field day trying to get the doubt and destruction that so often rule my thoughts and actions to take over. Well not this time! YOU ARE NOT IT, I AM IN CONTROL. I am choosing to take the wheel and see where this trip takes me, broken navigation system and all.

I am in my 40s and the life I have lived so far is not what I thought it would be. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I am still on the road of self-discovery and healing. I am still trying to figure out who I am. I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, co-worker, etc., but those are just labels, they don’t really feel like they are who I am. Will I ever know who I am? I sure hope so, or at the very least, I hope I can learn to find joy in the journey, because let me tell you my life has been full of ups and downs. I have found joy along the way, but I have also battled depression, anxiety, and abuse. Not just Domestic Violence, which included verbal, physical, and sexual abuse, but also body shaming, bullying, and verbal abuse from family, friends, and acquaintances as a child and an adult. I have done more than my fair share of self-abuse. So, my life has been full of detours, delays, and recalculating.

Maybe at the end of the book I should give you a timeline as a point of reference since this book is going to jump all over the place. It may be easier to write chronologically for me, but this is not an autobiography. I am sure for you it will be more enjoyable written by the segments of my life. I am hoping you will be able to relate to it.

My intention for this book is to let you know you are not alone. I want to open a conversation about things that are hard to talk about and create a community people who looking for balance, health, and healing from abuse, chemical imbalance, suicide, eating disorders, depression, and more who want to find joy in the journey. We are all on the planet trying to figure out this life, who we are and what our destination is.

Please remember everyone has his or her own journey. Our experiences may be similar, but they are each unique. Even though many people could have been at the same event, each person experiences and remembers those events through their own eyes and will recall the event differently. I am writing from my perspective of my life. How the events showed up for me as I reflect back on them. I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend, Essential Oil Coach, Emotion Code Practitioner, and Entrepreneur. I am not a Doctor, Counselor or Therapist. I believe it is important to work with Doctors, Counselors and Therapists along with Essential Oils, Energy Healing and spirituality to find health, healing, and joy.