All poetry is written and owned by Sarah Mason. For permission to use email beyond.warrior.ut@gmail.com.
Trigger Warning: Triggers are different for everyone. You never know when they are going to show up. If you need immediate assistance call National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255
I Spoke
By Sarah Mason
I was hurt
A broken child with nowhere to turn
I was that girl
The one who had nobody she could trust
I was misunderstood
Nobody understood what had changed me
It was a game
It was a sport
I was an athletic girl
Competing to be seen as an equal
I won that game but quickly lost myself
I said one million apologies for something I didn’t do
Those boys reported that they were raped
I was only eleven
Innocent, passionate, and fearless
Bullying and Death threats
All pointed at a young girl
Where did she go?
Where did I go?
Teachers, administrators, students and Parents all took their side
All I heard was
How dare you?
I began to think
How Dare I? How Dare I?
Apologies coming from the wrong side of the fight
Every sorry word was said by me
Three years of fighting
Two different schools
Antidepressants
A girl who couldn’t trust
Suicidal thoughts
Scars, Mental and physical
Stay Alive Stay Alive
Stay Alive.
I was afraid
Fighting for something but I didn’t know what
Some ounce of hope that something would change
It was a constant in My life.
Until I Spoke
My family knew all along
But nobody else did
Until he realized something was wrong
He saw the darkness in me
The pain and all the tears
Became my best friend
And fought To keep me alive
He got me out
Put in witness reports of what was happening
Life Changed
Tears were shed
But I got out
I spoke
She spoke
The old me Spoke.
He knew everything
He helped me Believe in change
I started by escaping my living demons
I grabbed hold of a new start
My new start brought happiness back
She was back
The real and improved me
I didn’t run and hide
I stood with my head held high
Because I Spoke and He listened
Broken World
By Sarah Mason
When a boy’s older sister dies
He wonders what happens
Nobody tells him that she committed suicide
Years later he finds out what really happened
He becomes suicidal
At the age of fifteen, he leaves their parents
Childless and wondering where they went wrong
When a little girl’s brother sings about the reality of humanity
She tells him that people are truly good
When he goes to tell her what reality is
His father steps in telling him that she deserves to be innocent
A young girl beats a group of boys in an athletic game
They claim she has raped them
She doesn’t even know what rape is
They bully her for years
She says a million apologies
She is too innocent to know that the world has come to kill her
She dies but survives
She changes but not for the better.
A boy enters high school
He is beaten for his religion
He doesn’t understand how people can be so cruel
He was raised to believe that all people were good
But now he questions what he believes
People hurt people
People kill themselves
People must know the truth
Homage to My Demons pt. 1
By Sarah Mason
These demons are killers
They killed an innocent little girl
Then spit out a lost soul.
These demons force me to wear a mask
They paint a smile on my face
And tell me not to say a word.
These demons force me into hiding
It doesn’t matter how hard I fight
They tell me I’m not good enough
They push the people I love away
They tell me nobody could love someone like me
And I believe them
Homage to My Demons pt. 2
These demons are creators
They gave a lost soul
The choice to become who she wanted
They taught her to smile even when it was hard
They taught her to speak especially when it hurt
These demons told her it was okay to love
And taught her it would come with pain
From them she learned she was good enough
She stopped pushing the ones she loved away
She learned to love herself with the help of her demons
And she finally believed in herself
Homage to the Warrior
By Sarah Mason
She is a demon slayer
She was a lost soul
She tore off the mask they forced her to wear
Then spoke her mind when they told her not to
She broke out of hiding and into the world
She knew it would be a hard fight to win
But if she gave it her all she would be good enough
For years all they had fed her was lies
She found someone she loved
Someone who loved her for who she was
That was when she knew
She had defeated her demons
The Warrior >Within
By Sarah Mason
There are days she can’t get up, says the bed in her room
She finds her strength from music, says the headphones nearby
You can see her varying amounts of pain in us, say the clothes in her closet
She runs from her fears quite often, whisper the shoes on her feet
She rebuilds her strength through the ice, say the skates in her bag
The scars she carries are reflected on her freshly taped, damaged Warrior stick
The jersey on her back whispers, She has an army watching out for her.
She is unwilling to stop fighting for her story to continue, states the semicolon ring on her finger
In unison they all scream, There is a Warrior in her that you cannot see.
How to Survive Suicidal Ideation
By Sarah Mason
You must see no reason to live
Feel hopeless,
Believe nobody would care if you didn’t exist
Think you can’t change anything
Over sleep,
or never sleep,
Make a plan,
Over think that a million times
Know how it will happen
Where to die, Locked in the bathroom
What time of day to die, late at night
How to die…
Overdose,
the words in your head cut into your arms and legs
Write a note,
To your mom,
Dad,
Best friend,
Teacher,
Little brother,
Someone.
Explaining why you’ve done what you plan to do
Apologizing for things in your life that you did,
Apologizing for not meeting them sooner
Apologizing for being born
Things that may have hurt them,
Expressing love, and say goodbye.
Place it carefully, somewhere you can easily find it
Second guess yourself,
A slight glimpse of something amazing
A smile from someone you barely know that stops you
Gives you hope that life may be worth living
That ending it could hurt those around you more than you know
More than life hurts you right now
Find something you love and can live for,
A favorite band’s new album,
An upcoming movie,
A friend
Your little brother, who is too young to understand why you aren’t coming home.
Learn to love yourself,
Write something you find beautiful about yourself and the world around you
Everyday choose to love something new
Like the freckle by your thumb,
Your smile,
How the lights reflect in your eyes
Light that note on fire and burn it
Let it go along with everything that hurt you so much
Carry on
Be a warrior
Ask for help
Understand
By Sarah Mason
I found something I want you to see A suicide note from when i was fourteen
I don’t know why I addressed it to you
but it reads.
Little Brother,
I’m sorry I wasn’t as strong as you thought I was
I’m sorry I let you down.
I’m sure when you get older
When you understand what really happened to me
You will wonder why I did this
I can’t keep fighting for something that is never going to change.
I can’t keep trying to live when I’m barely surviving
Little Brother,
Promise me this
Never put anyone in a situation that makes them want to die
Never justify your actions with the statement
“Boys will be Boys”
Never forget me.
Little Brother,
I love you
It’s just too hard to stay
I have to do this
Goodbye Little Brother
I never could do it
I am still here
I stopped surviving
and started living
Little Brother…
I love you
Story of My Pain
By Sarah Mason
I was only eleven, a few months into sixth grade
The bullying had started a month before, all because I played a game
Sharks and minnows was supposed to be innocent, just the grab of an ankle
The vice principal calls me out of class, leads me to an unoccupied room
Two chairs face each other on opposite sides of a lonely table.
She tells me to sit, I look at her with confusion painting my face
“What did you do to him? What happened?”
We played Sharks and minnows, I grabbed his ankle,
I won the game, that’s it!
“Did you rape him?”
I don’t know what rape is
She explains, the answer is no
“He claims you did,”
I know what his claims are, it’s not my fault that masculinity is toxic
Why am I alone here? Shouldn’t I have someone with me?
I am the victim here, I am the one who can’t answer questions in class
I am the one who is torn apart every day,
I am the girl who is kicked out of class daily,
Told to come inside when I am done causing a problem
Done crying and causing a scene
By that does my teacher mean “Done standing up for myself”?
I have had enough of this, I am telling the truth, but it does not matter
I tell her I am going back to class, if she has a problem she can call home.
As I enter the hall, she grabs my wrist and pushes me against the wall
“You can not walk away from me, You have to answer my questions,
Or we will have to get the police involved, you wouldn’t want that”
I pried her hand off my wrist, walking back to class in tears,
At home, my mom yelled at me,
“The vice principal called, you walked away from her when she was trying to help you”
That wasn’t help, that was enabling him
She pulled me into a room alone and asked me questions
Yelled at me when I told the truth,
It isn’t my fault that the truth isn’t the answer she wants to hear
An angry call to the school from my mom fixes nothing
It happens again, This time with the principal,
Then with the boy and his friends, And that is when I catch on,
I only have one voice, they have gathered many,
One innocent voice will never win against guilty voices backed by those in power
Where I Come From
By Sarah Mason
I’m from a street where the stars are visible but only to me
I’m from faith in denial because few people admit that they are insane
I’m from a long line of people who never found beauty in life
I’m from confusion about what love is
I’m from laughter over other’s excuses
I come from a family where saying “I can’t do that,” is okay, because your mental health is more important than completing many tasks alone
I’m from love, and I know that because my dad is not a crier and he cries with me
I’m from fear, especially when I think about death
I come from a long line of lies
I come from experiences like climbing mountains, staring at the stars, and jumping off cliffs
I come from late nights and goodbyes
And I wish my life would become summer nights, castles, and shimmering galaxies
That’s where I’d like to be from.
We Will Save Society
(A reversal poem)
By Sarah Mason
I am surrounded by failure
And I refuse to believe that
In time, my peers and I will experience love
I realize this may be a shock, but
“You will do amazing things”
Is a lie
“You can’t do anything right, you will never succeed!”
In 30 years, I will tell my children that
I have my priorities straight because
Your reputation
Is more important than
Who you love
I tell you this:
Once upon a time
Charity made the world a better place
But this will not be true in my era
The pressure put on us causes anxiety that cripples human success
Experts tell me
Fifty-six percent of students will drop out of college
I do not conclude that
Getting married will be important to me
In the future,
We should focus on our careers
No longer can it be said that
We are the future
It will be evident that
We have low expectations for ourselves
It is foolish to presume that
We will save society
My Anxiety
By Sarah Mason
My emotions are soft like freshly bloomed lavender,
But often I am struck by a storm,
Where shadows grab me as I burn alive,
Living just to step off the cliff I just climbed
and fall,
Only to realize that I am tethered in
There is no escape
The sound of nails on a chalkboard shakes my mind,
My Anxiety knows how to do its job,
It knows how to break me
And leave me wondering,
If I will ever rise back up like the sun.
What Was that Like?
By Sarah Mason
Depression pressed against my throat like a knife
Threatening to kill me, the great murderer, Depression
Death didn’t feel threatening, more welcoming,
Death wasn’t a threat, but rather leaving me to live
To live, what was that like?
Like jumping from a plane and landing safely on the ground
Ground, Earth, why do we find this place safe?
Safe is just a delusion created by men
Safe is just a story we tell children to get them to sleep
Safe is just a word your parents say when you leave, “Stay Safe”
Safe should be that feeling you have when you are with friends
Moments like these are when I wish I had some of those, friends
What an odd thought, for someone like me who questions, “What even are friends?”
The Bittersweet Tapestry
By Sarah Mason
Her pain turned death into a bittersweet tapestry
The sight of rancid blood on the bathroom floor
Covered the golden scent of her lost childhood
Her denim jackets hid aggravated scars
Where her silken demons hid
Waiting to curl up in the saccharine echos of roses on her grave
Slip Away
By Sarah Mason
Before I slip away remind me of when we met
Before I slip away tell me you love me
My Friend, I’ll always be by your side
When I Slip away I want you there
When I slip away I want you to remember who I really was
Love, keep our memories close
When I slip away I’ll have no fears
When I slip away I’ll know I’m truly free
Momma, I can’t feel the pain anymore
When I slip away I’ll remember my childhood
When I slip away I’ll think about what you taught me
Papa, I’m still the child you raised
After I slip away don’t you cry
After I slip away celebrate my life
I love you more than you know
Tango with Death
By Sarah Mason
Last night Death called to me
He wanted me to dive into the abyss
Last night we danced
A tango of emotions splayed across my bedroom floor
My mind was a whirlwind but i wasn’t afraid
Death’s name didn’t scare me anymore
I thought about slipping away
It would be so easy to run away with Death
Isn’t that scary?
Death called and I answered
I danced with him in the dark
Lost myself in the emotion of what was really there
Forgot about love
and nearly let myself die
Love promise me you will never answer Death
For Death is enticing
He wants you to come
But Love,
You must live past
The tango with Death
I Broke Them
By Sarah Mason
He comes home. Says nothing.
Tears rolling down his face.
He falls into bed,
Curling up clenching a piece of paper to his chest.
Holding it to the light,
I can finally see.
The last picture we took together.
“Come back, I still need you”
His sobs hit me harder than a bus
My best friend,
I broke him
She goes to school. Avoids eye contact.
Music drowning out the world,
Sits in the back corner of every class,
Her friends try to reach her,
She doesn’t notice them anymore,
She takes her headphones off
Just for a moment,
Just enough,
Faintly I can hear my favorite music,
The kind she adamantly hates,
“I’m always going to want you back”
She walks into the house.
Our little brother calls my name,
Before remembering
I’m not coming home
Both of them burst into tears
My siblings
I broke them
They go to the store. Buy flowers.
Fifteen white roses,
Exactly how I wanted it.
They stand together,
No longer able to be alone.
Sympathy and love from others
Comes from every angle,
But the more they hear,
The more they break,
My funeral is the worst for them,
They deserved better
“Return to Me”
My parents
I broke them
Guernica
By Sarah Mason
That day the sun could not be seen,
The all seeing eye situated in its place,
Incapable of brightening their darkest day
Wails rang out like church bells,
Surrounded by death-bringing demons,
They swore they were in hell
Mothers grasped their children’s lifeless bodies,
Husbands fell to their knees,
The sickening scent of burnt flesh lingered
Bodies and bricks laid in desolate heap,
In this shell of a city
Time had been replaced with chaos
No home to return to,
Just pain and cold ground
The Road Maker
By Sarah Mason
My mom had always taught me
When I come to a fork in the road to pick one, And if it dead ends,
To make my own.
From a young age I knew
I wanted to change the world.
I didn’t know how I would do that
until I was sixteen years old.
As a child,
I was always rough and tumble,
I remember my grandmother yelling at me
for being too much like the boys.
She told me that I should sit like a lady,
speak gently,
never raise my voice,
tell everyone that I am fine,
and not put up a fight
I always did the exact opposite.
I would play sports with the boys and beat them with ease,
yell at the top of my lungs,
climb the biggest trees
with no fear of getting hurt
I thought I was invincible.
As a young teenager,
I was physically strong,
but mentally I was a crumbling mess,
a puzzle that wouldn’t stay together
It felt like I would put one piece in place
and another part of me would break away
I had no direction,
I walked endlessly in a circle
in the middle of the desert of my mind.
In high school,
I learned how to use language
to express emotion
Using words that made others understand me,
I forged my way into a greener future
I laid down my own path to happiness,
but what good does happiness do
when you have no purpose and nothing to live for?
I still don’t know where my road leads,
but that doesn’t matter for now
I now realize that the road I lay
will be the beginning for others to lay their paths.
They will follow my street for a time
before forging their own way in a different directions
My actions effect those I don’t see that follow behind me
I must set the best path for them that I can,
so that they can be successful in their own ways.
Beyond Possibilities 