Site icon Beyond Possibilities

Beyond Poetry

All poetry is written and owned by Sarah Mason. For permission to use email beyond.warrior.ut@gmail.com.

Trigger Warning: Triggers are different for everyone. You never know when they are going to show up. If you need immediate assistance call National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

I Spoke

By Sarah Mason

I was hurt

A broken child with nowhere to turn 

I was that girl

The one who had nobody she could trust

I was misunderstood

Nobody understood what had changed me

It was a game

It was a sport

I was an athletic girl 

Competing to be seen as an equal

I won that game but quickly lost myself

I said one million apologies for something I didn’t do

Those boys reported that they were raped 

I was only eleven 

Innocent, passionate, and fearless

Bullying and Death threats 

All pointed at a young girl

Where did she go? 

Where did I go? 

Teachers, administrators, students and Parents all took their side

All I heard was 

How dare you?

I began to think
How Dare I? How Dare I?

Apologies coming from the wrong side of the fight

Every sorry word was said by me

Three years of fighting

Two different schools

Antidepressants

A  girl who couldn’t trust

Suicidal thoughts 

Scars, Mental and physical

Stay Alive Stay Alive

Stay Alive. 

I was afraid

Fighting for something but I didn’t know what

Some ounce of hope that something would change

It was a constant in My life. 

Until I Spoke

My family knew all along

But nobody else did

Until he realized something was wrong

He saw the darkness in me

The pain and all the tears

Became my best friend 

And fought To keep me alive

He got me out

Put in witness reports of what was happening 

Life Changed 

Tears were shed 

But I got out

I spoke

 She spoke 

The old me Spoke.

He knew everything

He helped me Believe in change

I started by escaping my living demons 

I grabbed hold of a new start 

My new start brought happiness back

She was back

The real and improved me

I didn’t run and hide

I stood with my head held high 

Because I Spoke and He listened

Broken World

By Sarah Mason

When a boy’s older sister dies

He wonders what happens

Nobody tells him that she committed suicide

Years later he finds out what really happened

He becomes suicidal 

At the age of fifteen, he leaves their parents

Childless and wondering where they went wrong

When a little girl’s brother sings about the reality of humanity

She tells him that people are truly good

When he goes to tell her what reality is

His father steps in telling him that she deserves to be innocent

A young girl beats a group of boys in an athletic game

They claim she has raped them 

She doesn’t even know what rape is

They bully her for years

She says a million apologies

She is too innocent to know that the world has come to kill her

She dies but survives

She changes but not for the better.

A boy enters high school 

He is beaten for his religion 

He doesn’t understand how people can be so cruel

He was raised to believe that all people were good

But now he questions what he believes 

People hurt people

People kill themselves

People must know the truth

Homage to My Demons pt. 1

By Sarah Mason

These demons are killers

They killed an innocent little girl

Then spit out a lost soul.

These demons force me to wear a mask

They paint a smile on my face

And tell me not to say a word.

These demons force me into hiding

It doesn’t matter how hard I fight

They tell me I’m not good enough

They push the people I love away

They tell me nobody could love someone like me

And I believe them

Homage to My Demons pt. 2

These demons are creators

They gave a lost soul

The choice to become who she wanted

They taught her to smile even when it was hard

They taught her to speak especially when it hurt

These demons told her it was okay to love

And taught her it would come with pain

From them she learned she was good enough

She stopped pushing the ones she loved away

She learned to love herself with the help of her demons

And she finally believed in herself

Homage to the Warrior

By Sarah Mason

She is a demon slayer

She was a lost soul

She tore off the mask they forced her to wear

Then spoke her mind when they told her not to

She broke out of hiding and into the world

She knew it would be a hard fight to win

But if she gave it her all she would be good enough

For years all they had fed her was lies

She found someone she loved

Someone who loved her for who she was

That was when she knew

She had defeated her demons

The Warrior >Within

By Sarah Mason

There are days she can’t get up, says the bed in her room

She finds her strength from music, says the headphones nearby

You can see her varying amounts of pain in us, say the clothes in her closet

She runs from her fears quite often, whisper the shoes on her feet

She rebuilds her strength through the ice, say the skates in her bag

The scars she carries are reflected on her freshly taped, damaged Warrior stick

The jersey on her back whispers, She has an army watching out for her. 

She is unwilling to stop fighting for her story to continue, states the semicolon ring on her finger

In unison they all scream, There is a Warrior in her that you cannot see.

How to Survive Suicidal Ideation

By Sarah Mason

You must see no reason to live   

Feel hopeless,

Believe nobody would care if you didn’t exist

Think you can’t change anything

Over sleep,

or never sleep,

Make a plan,

Over think that a million times

Know how it will happen

Where to die, Locked in the bathroom

What time of day to die, late at night

How to die…

Overdose,

the words in your head cut into your arms and legs

Write a note,

To your mom,

Dad,

Best friend,

Teacher,

Little brother,

Someone.

Explaining why you’ve done what you plan to do

Apologizing for things in your life that you did,

Apologizing for not meeting them sooner

Apologizing for being born

Things that may have hurt them,

Expressing love, and say goodbye.

Place it carefully, somewhere you can easily find it

Second guess yourself,

A slight glimpse of something amazing

A smile from someone you barely know that stops you

Gives you hope that life may be worth living

That ending it could hurt those around you more than you know

More than life hurts you right now

Find something you love and can live for,

A favorite band’s new album,

An upcoming movie,

A friend

Your little brother, who is too young to understand why you aren’t coming home.

Learn to love yourself,

Write something you find beautiful about yourself and the world around you

Everyday choose to love something new

Like the freckle by your thumb,

Your smile,

How the lights reflect in your eyes

Light that note on fire and burn it

Let it go along with everything that hurt you so much

Carry on

Be a warrior

Ask for help

Understand

By Sarah Mason

I found something I want you to see A suicide note from when i was fourteen

I don’t know why I addressed it to you

but it reads.

Little Brother,

I’m sorry I wasn’t as strong as you thought I was

I’m sorry I let you down.

I’m sure when you get older

When you understand what really happened to me

You will wonder why I did this

I can’t keep fighting for something that is never going to change.

I can’t keep trying to live when I’m barely surviving

Little Brother,

Promise me this

Never put anyone in a situation that makes them want to die

Never justify your actions with the statement

“Boys will be Boys”

Never forget me.

Little Brother,

I love you

It’s just too hard to stay

I have to do this

Goodbye Little Brother

I never could do it

I am still here

I stopped surviving

and started living

Little Brother…

I love you

Story of My Pain

By Sarah Mason

I was only eleven, a few months into sixth grade

The bullying had started a month before, all because I played a game

Sharks and minnows was supposed to be innocent, just the grab of an ankle

The vice principal calls me out of class, leads me to an unoccupied room

Two chairs face each other on opposite sides of a lonely table.

She tells me to sit, I look at her with confusion painting my face

“What did you do to him? What happened?”

We played Sharks and minnows, I grabbed his ankle,

I won the game, that’s it!

“Did you rape him?”

I don’t know what rape is

She explains, the answer is no

“He claims you did,”

I know what his claims are, it’s not my fault that masculinity is toxic

Why am I alone here? Shouldn’t I have someone with me?

I am the victim here, I am the one who can’t answer questions in class

I am the one who is torn apart every day,

I am the girl who is kicked out of class daily,

Told to come inside when I am done causing a problem

Done crying and causing a scene

By that does my teacher mean “Done standing up for myself”?

I have had enough of this, I am telling the truth, but it does not matter

I tell her I am going back to class, if she has a problem she can call home.

As I enter the hall, she grabs my wrist and pushes me against the wall

“You can not walk away from me, You have to answer my questions,

Or we will have to get the police involved, you wouldn’t want that”

I pried her hand off my wrist, walking back to class in tears,

At home, my mom yelled at me,

“The vice principal called, you walked away from her when she was trying to help you”

That wasn’t help, that was enabling him

She pulled me into a room alone and asked me questions

Yelled at me when I told the truth,

It isn’t my fault that the truth isn’t the answer she wants to hear

An angry call to the school from my mom fixes nothing

It happens again, This time with the principal,

Then with the boy and his friends, And that is when I catch on,

I only have one voice, they have gathered many,

One innocent voice will never win against guilty voices backed by those in power

Where I Come From

By Sarah Mason

I’m from a street where the stars are visible but only to me

I’m from faith in denial because few people admit that they are insane

I’m from a long line of people who never found beauty in life

I’m from confusion about what love is

I’m from laughter over other’s excuses

I come from a family where saying “I can’t do that,” is okay, because your mental health is more important than completing many tasks alone

I’m from love, and I know that because my dad is not a crier and he cries with me

I’m from fear, especially when I think about death

I come from a long line of lies

I come from experiences like climbing mountains, staring at the stars, and jumping off cliffs

I come from late nights and goodbyes

And I wish my life would become summer nights, castles, and shimmering galaxies

That’s where I’d like to be from.

We Will Save Society

(A reversal poem)

By Sarah Mason

I am surrounded by failure   

And I refuse to believe that

In time, my peers and I will experience love          

I realize this may be a shock, but

“You will do amazing things”       

Is a lie

“You can’t do anything right, you will never succeed!”             

In 30 years, I will tell my children that

I have my priorities straight because

Your reputation                                                                  

Is more important than

Who you love                                                                    

I tell you this:

Once upon a time

Charity made the world a better place       

But this will not be true in my era

The pressure put on us causes anxiety that cripples human success

Experts tell me

Fifty-six percent of students will drop out of college     

I do not conclude that

Getting married will be important to me    

In the future,

We should focus on our careers  

No longer can it be said that

We are the future                                                                                                       

It will be evident that

We have low expectations for ourselves                                                                                                       

It is foolish to presume that

We will save society                                   

My Anxiety

By Sarah Mason

My emotions are soft like freshly bloomed lavender,

But often  I am struck by a storm,

Where shadows grab me as I burn alive,

Living just to step off the cliff I just climbed

and fall,

Only to realize that I am tethered in

There is no escape

The sound of nails on a chalkboard shakes my mind,

My Anxiety knows how to do its job,

It knows how to break me

And leave me wondering,

If I will ever rise back up like the sun.

What Was that Like?

By Sarah Mason

Depression pressed against my throat like a knife

Threatening to kill me, the great murderer, Depression

Death didn’t feel threatening, more welcoming,

Death wasn’t a threat, but rather leaving me to live

To live, what was that like?

Like jumping from a plane and landing safely on the ground

Ground, Earth, why do we find this place safe?

Safe is just a delusion created by men

Safe is just a story we tell children to get them to sleep

Safe is just a word your parents say when you leave, “Stay Safe”

Safe should be that feeling you have when you are with friends

Moments like these are when I wish I had some of those, friends

What an odd thought, for someone like me who questions, “What even are friends?”

The Bittersweet Tapestry

By Sarah Mason

Her pain turned death into a bittersweet tapestry

The sight of rancid blood on the bathroom floor

Covered the golden scent of her lost childhood

Her denim jackets hid aggravated  scars

Where her silken demons hid

Waiting to curl up in the saccharine echos of roses on her grave

Slip Away

By Sarah Mason

Before I slip away remind me of when we met

Before I slip away tell me you love me

My Friend, I’ll always be by your side

When I Slip away I want you there

When I slip away I want you to remember who I really was

Love, keep our memories close

When I slip away I’ll have no fears

When I slip away I’ll know I’m truly free

Momma, I can’t feel the pain anymore

When I slip away I’ll remember my childhood

When I slip away I’ll think about what you taught me

Papa, I’m still the child you raised

After I slip away don’t you cry

After I slip away celebrate my life

I love you more than you know

Tango with Death

By Sarah Mason

Last night Death called to me

He wanted me to dive into the abyss

Last night we danced

A tango of emotions splayed across my bedroom floor

My mind was a whirlwind but i wasn’t afraid

Death’s name didn’t scare me anymore

I thought about slipping away

It would be so easy to run away with Death

Isn’t that scary?

Death called and I answered

I danced with him in the dark

Lost myself in the emotion of what was really there

Forgot about love

and nearly let myself die

Love promise me you will never  answer Death

For Death is enticing

He wants you to come  

But Love,

You must live past

The tango with Death

I Broke Them

By Sarah Mason

He comes home. Says nothing.

Tears rolling down his face. 

He falls into bed, 

Curling up clenching a piece of paper to his chest.

Holding it to the light,

I can finally see. 

The last picture we took together. 

“Come back, I still need you” 

His sobs hit me harder than a bus

My best friend, 

I broke him

She goes to school. Avoids eye contact. 

Music drowning out the world,

Sits in the back corner of every class, 

Her friends try to reach her, 

She doesn’t notice them anymore, 

She takes her headphones off

Just for a moment,

Just enough, 

Faintly I can hear my favorite music,

The kind she adamantly hates,

“I’m always going to want you back” 

She walks into the house.

Our little brother calls my name, 

Before remembering 

I’m not coming home

Both of them burst into tears

My siblings

I broke them

They go to the store. Buy flowers.

Fifteen white roses, 

Exactly how I wanted it. 

They stand together, 

No longer able to be alone. 

Sympathy and love from others

Comes from every angle, 

But the more they hear,

The more they break,

My funeral is the worst for them,

They deserved better

“Return to Me”

My parents

I broke them 

Guernica

By Sarah Mason

That day the sun could not be seen,

The all seeing eye situated in its place,

Incapable of brightening their darkest day

Wails rang out like church bells,

Surrounded by death-bringing demons,

They swore they were in hell

Mothers grasped their children’s lifeless bodies,

Husbands fell to their knees,

The sickening scent of burnt flesh lingered

Bodies and bricks laid in desolate heap,

In this shell of a city

Time had been replaced with chaos

No home to return to,

Just pain and cold ground

 

The Road Maker

By Sarah Mason

My mom had always taught me 

When I come to a fork in the road to pick one, And if it dead ends, 

To make my own. 

From a young age I knew

 I wanted to change the world. 

I didn’t know how I would do that

 until I was sixteen years old. 

As a child, 

I was always rough and tumble,

 I remember my grandmother yelling at me

 for being too much like the boys.

 She told me that I should sit like a lady, 

speak gently, 

never raise my voice, 

tell everyone that I am fine, 

and not put up a fight

 I always did the exact opposite.

 I would play sports with the boys and beat them with ease, 

yell at the top of my lungs,

 climb the biggest trees 

with no fear of getting hurt

 I thought I was invincible. 

As a young teenager, 

I was physically strong, 

but mentally I was a crumbling mess, 

a puzzle that wouldn’t stay together

It felt like I would put one piece in place 

and another part of me would break away

I had no direction,

 I walked endlessly in a circle

 in the middle of the desert of my mind. 

In high school, 

I learned how to use language

 to express emotion

 Using words that made others understand me,

 I forged my way into a greener future

 I laid down my own path to happiness, 

but what good does happiness do 

when you have no purpose and nothing to live for? 

I still don’t know where my road leads,

 but that doesn’t matter for now

I now realize that  the road I lay

 will be the beginning for others to lay their paths. 

They will follow my street for a time

 before forging their own way in a different directions

My actions effect those I don’t see that follow behind me

 I must set the best path for them that I can, 

so that they can be successful in their own ways.

Exit mobile version